How can humor help us live with depth?

Some people believe that humor and depth are mutually exclusive - that all the events of life are serious and portentous. Humor provides an alternative view. Perhaps some of what happens in the world is a kind of cosmic joke that challenges our self-importance. A balance between seriousness and humor allows us to continue our pursuit of depth and meaning, while at the same time avoiding mechanical, uncreative thought, and it clarifies our thought processes the way shaking an etch-a-sketch clears the board.

So can humor actually help us avoid falling into excessive self-seriousness? Self-absorption can be a pitfall for someone on a spiritual path who is trying to uncover unpleasant aspects of their behavior and, through inner work, modify them.

Yes, remember the two cases I told you about earlier-the overly protective mother and the mother who always answered for her daughter? Laughter forced them both to recognize their harmful habits and, what is just as important, gave them playful, rather than judgmental ways to work with them. When we laugh at something in ourselves, it's as if the joke of over-seriousness and narcissism gets revealed.

There's another image I can use. The soul has been likened to a burning charcoal or ember that we carry with us. A theologian friend of mine, Chuck Jones, added that humor is a cool breeze that blows away the ash so as to allow the ember to burn.

Now let's get back to the question of how humor can help us live with depth.

As I understand it, "depth" occurs in two realms-it occurs intrapersonally (with respect to our own experience -our beliefs, psychological and affective states, and physical state) and interpersonally (with respect to the depth of our relationships to one another, to our community small or large, or maybe to the Divine). "Depth" implies a strong, meaningful purpose and an understanding of our experience. If you think about depth (interpersonal or intrapersonal) as a journey down the road, humor is like a shock absorber. It doesn't really get you there, but it certainly makes the trip much less painful.

How is humor linked with joy? Does it have to do with feeling connected to others?

Humor is joyful-you can't laugh and feel anger at the same time. You can't laugh and be sad at that same moment. Very often when we find ourselves sad, we find ourselves laughing because of our vulnerability. But for that moment, we're not sad. That's the psychological experience of humor and laughter. There's enjoyment in watching a funny movie or reading a funny book, even if you are by yourself. But there's a special joy when you share a laugh, whether it's over an old story, a reminiscence or a joke. Everyone has an idiosyncratic sense of humor since everyone finds different things funny, yet humor is never enjoyed more than when it's shared. So humor is a bridge-building mechanism. We connect with other people through shared experience. When we laugh at the same things, there's an immediate, recognized connection.

One of the funniest lines I've ever heard was, "What makes the noise like the phone ringing when you're in the shower?" Apparently lots of people have had that experience, though nobody talks about it . The humor lies in the recognition, "I've thought that too!" That's the joy of recognizing our shared humanity. That's pure Seinfeld-all of Seinfeld is that kind of humor.

What skills in generating humor, seeing humor or transmitting humor do you think a person has to learn in order to live well?

You have to be willing to be silly, to take on a child's perspective and see things honestly. You have to practice seeing irony everywhere. You just have to look for it. There's a phenomenon in psychology called the "Rosenthal Effect." This is a self-fulfilling prophecy-you find what you look for. If you look for humor, you will find it. I'll give you an example of what I mean. About five days after 9/11, my sister and I flew down to Florida. I had to wait 21/2 hours for her flight to come in, so I sat in one of the cafes and challenged myself to find some humor in what I was experiencing. I ended up writing an essay about going through security. It was mildly amusing. I really had to challenge myself to find something funny at a time when things were not funny. It was a very interesting experience for me to see whether I could practice what I preach.

This reminds me of spiritual practices in which we choose how we're going to view something. We don't just take the first view that pops into our head. We decide to look at a situation in a constructive way, and then we work at doing that.

A lot of therapeutic humor aims at showing clients that they can choose their emotional response-they can even choose to see the funny side of something serious.

Is there a way to develop the capacity for playfulness?

The easiest way is to be around young children. Young children play as a means of expressing themselves, and so do animals. They don't know that life is serious, and they ignore you if you believe it is. Another thing you can do is find other people who believe in humor and support it and encourage it. Get to know yourself and your own sense of humor. Everyone has a sense of humor, but sometimes we aren't able to access it.



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